Honesty

The past couple of days I have been kind of emotional. Remember when I cried in my first pregnancy when John made me drop my Pop Tart? Yea. It's true. But this time it's different.

Ever since school started, I have imagined Cohen being at school with me next year in the preschool class. He will have just turned three. He will be the baby of the class. He is so smart, so sweet, kind, polite, and his laughter is contagious. I know he is going to do great, but the fact that he is going to be old enough for this makes me want to CRY. So, I do sometimes when I think about it. Maybe it will prep me for the actual day he goes.

Secondly, as my pregnancy continues along, I begin to think about my heart's capacity to love two little boys. I have heard this is a common fear for a second time mom. You wonder, "How will I ever love two babies the same?" And then I hear it just happens and you just do. Obviously. But, it is an emotional thing to think about! I wonder, hope, and pray for that day Weston comes into our lives. I know the love will be endless and my heart will just burst but again when I think about it I cry.

Last night I was gone all day. I saw Cohen for a total of five minutes before I was at work, doctor's appointment, and PTA meeting. When I got home he was cranky. I felt like he was mad at me. He had a great day with his Nana while she was here visiting, but he wasn't treating me the way he normally does. Of course that made me sad and frustrated. As I was changing him for bed, he slapped me. Hard. So out of character for him. It really really hurt my feelings. My jaw dropped and he knew by the look on my face and the disappointment in my voice that it was not ok. I had to walk away and cry. Then when I came back to him, he repeatedly said "I sorry mama" which made me cry more! But I waited for that until I laid in bed with him. Then the tears flowed. He didn't see. But I was emotional.

Emotion comes with being a mom. I've experienced every emotional possible with Cohen. Right now, my baby is growing up, another baby is growing, and my emotion is at an all time high.

Tonight, I tucked him in and told him my usual "I love you soooo much" and he repeated it like a parrot. I lay his blanket over his tummy, put Shamu in his arms, and turned on his turtle nightlight with the blue stars that project on the ceiling he loves so much. As I was closing the door behind me, I heard "I lub you momma". My heart probably melted on the floor. I went back in for one more kiss and I knew that my son knew just what I needed.



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